The Burger that Slew my Pride


At long last, I did what I’ve been promising I would do for 2 weeks. And you’re welcome.

Above you can see exactly what 10k calories looks like.  An average 55 year old woman should eat approximately this many calories in 6 and a half days. For me, this is about 3 days worth of food. But no matter which way you look at it, eating this monstrosity qualifies as flagrant abuse of your fragile body. Which is why I undertook this quest, so you wouldn’t have to. Once again, you’re welcome.  I’m way too good to you.

Carson Kemp of CK Training Systems did this with me at Lobby’s Beef and Burger in Tempe Arizona. The draw of this burger was that if you could eat it in 10 minutes or less, it was free, and at $30.00 for 1, free sounded pretty good.
At first we were nervous, thinking that it would be pretty hard to down something like this: 9 big grass fed beef patties, 9 thick slices of cheddar cheese, pickles, tomatoes, onions, and special sauce on a delicious toasted bun.
However, after looking at the board of champions and seeing a petite girl on there, not once, not twice, but three times with a best time of 4 minutes and 41 seconds, we became confident to the point of arrogance about our masculinity and ability to consume otherworldly portions of animal flesh with the speed of adolescent boys racing to watch Jennifer’s Body.

After we received our tower of cow, we let our good sense get away from us and tried to start before the burger had cooled properly. however, it was possibly the most delicious burger I had ever tasted, regardless of the fact that stuffing 9 blazing hot beef saucers down my gullet left me with close to second degree burns all along the inside of my mouth and throat. Worth it.

I chose to take apart the burger with precision and technique, Carson decided he didn’t have time for that and went in for the kill, taking large bites of the closest things he could find.

Patties 1-5 were not bad, but they each took about 90 seconds to eat the whole thing.  Patties 6 and 7 were much cooler, plus at that point we had taken the liberty of commandeering small cups of Pepsi to wash down the burger with. At this point, we were both full, but not stuffed to the point of no return.

At the end of the day though, I left my  manliness at the restaurant, with a beef saber driven through its heart. I was only able to finish the top, the vegetables, seven patties and cheeses within the time limit. It was humiliating. But so delicious.
In order to actually eat the required 10k calories though, I ended up finishing it 2 hours later. I was full, but I never felt sick, and I felt great the rest of the day. A little sleepy, but pretty good.

All in all, the day was a failure. Pure and utter failure. We went in like spartan warriors with above average testicular fortitude, and left beaten down emotional and physically, like that one time when I got dressed up for Halloween as Captain Hook only to learn that we were going to skip trick or treating in favor of a home-school field trip to the retirement home.

Oh well.

Stay tune though and I’ll go into detail on how many times, and what kind fo workouts I had to do in the next 10 days to burn off my 10k calorie mistake.

Be Healthy.

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