Aries. March 21- April 19
Health Horoscope: OHHHHHH YEA Aries, October is gonna be your month! You’ll hit that PR on squats that you’ve been chasing, and better yet, that one girl who you’ve been oogling from the stair master is going to finally ask you what pre-workout you use!
Before you answer, make sure you wipe your face with your shirt in a way that shows off your entire torso.
Tip: Get a new gym shirt. Seriously. The “5k for the Kids 2007” one you’ve been rocking smells like shit, and it’s been way too big ever since you started your paleo diet.
Taurus. April 20-May 20
Health Horoscope: Much like the Ford sedan that this sign was named after, you’re in a rut, in desperate need of a reboot. Luckily the new Ford Taurus – JJ Abrams Edition is coming out, and like yourself is getting massive upgrades to power, steering, and extra fancy buttons!
Up your game at the gym by adding in some new exercises! Don’t know any real exercises? Make some up! It’s your month Taurus!
Tip: When coming up with new exercises, always think “Maximum Effort”.
Why do a squat, when you can do a squat standing on a balance board with bands attached to every appendage? Better yet, take off those restricting clothes, cover yourself in butter and let the spirit lead you! #amen
Gemini. May 21-June 20
Health Horoscope: This was going to be a good week for you Gemini, but then you started wearing your Sketchers Shape-Ups again, and you’ve googled “How to Do the Master Cleanse” at work 3 times.
The stars know Gemini. The stars always know.
Tip: Wear the LuluLemon pants to the gym, put on your Giant “Beats” headphones and DANCE. IT. OUT…. in front of the dumbbell rack.
Cancer. June 21-July 22
Health Horoscope: You’re also thinking about wearing the LuluLemon pants today.
Leo. July 23- August 22
Health Horoscope: People just don’t appreciate how awesome you are, which is a shame, because you’re SO AWESOME. Drop an angry note to the gym manager to put up more mirrors in the weight room because it’s hard to isolate the biceps peak without 3 viewing angles.
Tip: Why do curls standing on the ground, when you can do them on the stairmaster, elliptical, or standing on the check in desk? Still not getting enough attention? Put in your bluetooth and have a loud, pretend conversation about how like a bunch of girls have been creeping on your epic pecs. “...then I was like, uh, my eyes are up here Brittany”.
Virgo. August 23-September 22
Health Horoscope: If you make it to the gym today, you’ll probably feel like stopping your workout halfway through.
Tip: Make up the extra time by hitting the steam room and sauna for 45 minutes! For maximum relaxation, use that hair dryer to dry your genitals. You know that’s why it’s there, right?
Libra. September 23-October 22
Health Horoscope: It’s a tossup for you today – put on pants and exercise, or keep eating buttered popcorn and watching Stranger Things.
Tip: The finale to Stranger Things is sooooooo good.
Scorpio. October 23-November 21
Health Horoscope: Before leaving the house today, take 15 minutes to connect with your spirit animal, which is of course, J-Lo’s ass. Once you’ve found harmony and peace with all things, you’ll be ready to take on the day. Obviously don’t forget to hit Starbucks on the way to work. That Venti Quad Carmel Diabetes with non-fat Whip isn’t gonna drink itself.
Tip: Make sure you get just enough caffeine- then double it.
Sagittarius. November 22-December 21
Health Horoscope: This is not your week. A recent illness has left you with low energy, and slightly dumber because you’ve been watching reality TV for 3 straight days. But my goodness, have you lost weight? Plus all that coughing and vomiting has really given your core a GREAT tone.
Tip: Keep it rolling by eating only ice cubes.
Capricorn. December 22-January 19
Health Horoscope: Are you gluten intolerant? Nobody would have had any idea, except that you’ve mentioned it 17 times at Aunt Marge’s birthday party.
Tip: Try the bread, it’s great!
Aquarius January 20-February 18
Health Horoscope: You’re in the zone, like a fighter jet, except that the fighter jet is made out of pure amphetamines and biceps. No matter what you put your mind to today, you’ll get it.
Tip: Since hard work will directly correlate to success, let’s skip the paperwork today and go on a safari! You’ll look great in khaki exploration attire, and those Facebook pictures will incite jealousy throughout the entire accounting department.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Health Horoscope: You are are overworked, and underappreciated. 2016 has not been your year, and everyone knows that you can’t start fresh in October.
Tip: Take back your life by not giving a shit at the gym today! Bring both your ipads, one laptop, and your kindle fire, set them up in a corner, then practice your Jui-Jitsu on a swiss ball until you’ve got a good sweat going.
Gym management asks you to stop? Tell them that you’re experiencing ‘flow’ right now and can’t be bothered with the opinions of beta males.
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