If you’re like me, you suck at the majority of things in life.
OHHH STOP. Don’t be offended. When was the last time you successfully performed heart surgery? Not reasonable? How good are you at magic? How about yo-yo’ing? Can you hold your own at Magic the Gathering? Bow-staff fighting? Shakespearean reenactments?
OK. So quit your whining. You probably can’t even cut your own hair.
Listen up, and I’m going to lay a beating on a lot of the behaviors that many people engage in while trying to lose weight. Follow my recommendations and you’ll be sexy as hell and win at everything in life.
1. You don’t commit.
What would you give up to get the body you want and feel amazing? Seriously!
Would you eat only tofu for 2 weeks? Would you give up alcohol? Cigarettes? Television? Your shot at “America’s Next To Eater”? If not, shut your mouth about losing weight. You don’t actually want to. You love talking about it, and the idea of being lean and awesome, but you’ll NEVER get there.
2. You don’t have accountability
You are your own training partner, you decide when you will go to the gym, what your workout is, and when you’re done. Sometimes this works, often it does not. You need to have someone else to help you out with this, that will make you feel a good deal of Catholic guilt for skipping your workout or eating vanilla ice-cream instead of that salad you were going to eat. Whether this is a friend, your neighbor’s 8 year old kid, or a personal trainer, you need someone.
There are days when you are just going to feel like watching Grey’s Anatomy, and skipping your squats. That’s when you need an appointment with someone mean in order to get your ass off the couch, lace up your Nikes and get out of your non-fitness inducing environment.
3. You follow fad diets.
From kicking it with the South Beach, to the Atkins, to a Paleo diet, to eating dirt and glitter for a week, you switch back and forth to what you think the newest best thing is. Here’s the secret: THEY ALL WORK FAIRLY WELL. Pick one and stick too it. Or if you’re not into diets, just don’t eat shitty foods. Everyone knows what those are. Don’t eat bad things. It’s a really easy diet.
4. You eat six small meals per day
This is not convenient for most people, and actually works against your metabolism. By keeping your blood sugar elevated, you’ll become insulin insensitive (precursor to diabetes) and store more fat. Surprise!
Eat 3 times per day, 2 times per day, or 1 time per day. It’s not going to decrease your metabolism. That’s a myth. If you’ve heard differently all your life, you’ve been lied too. Read more here: How to Eat to Lose Fat
5. You only do classes.
Here’s another secret for your ass: TONING IS A LIE. You either make muscles bigger, or you make them smaller. They don’t get “toned” or “lean” or “tight”. Quit asking how to “tone” your legs. It makes me angry. You need to lift weights in order to make your muscles better, and make yourself stronger. The more muscle you have, the more calories your body burns every day. Ladies. When you can do 3 pullups and Squat your bodyweight, you wont be huge and vascular, you’ll be lean and badass. You’ll have abs. Moving on.
6. You Drink Alcohol.
Stop. Obviously. Every calorie you intake while you have alcohol in your system get stored as stomach fat. Need more motivation? Every time you have a drink while dieting, someone leaves a puppy on the humane society’s front porch.
7. You don’t eat veggies.
What are you, 5 years old?
8. You don’t eat enough protein.
This is important because proteins are the building blocks with which a lean body is built. Make sure you’re eating protein at every meal: eggs, fish, beef, chicken and Greek yogurt are all good sources. It’s actually harder to store hamburger as fat in your body, than it is to store whole wheat bread as fat. Get real about that.