The Definitive Guide To Weight Loss and Health

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Losing weight is confusing as shit. I don’t see how anyone is able to actually do it. Between pintrest, fitness magazines, your friend Jenny’s food blog, and the FDA food pyramid, the answers seem to be everwhere, yet nothing makes sense, and everything is contradictory.

For example, is breakfast the most important meal of the day, or will consumption of breakfast turn you into a fat asshole?

Should you be eating carbs at all? What about paleo carbs? Would a cave man have been able to find and eat potatoes? Would he have been able to season them with sea salt and olive oil? Is this the most enterprising cave man ever?

How about carb cycling? Should you only eat food after working out, or is it better to eat one big meal at the end of the day?

Juicing is the new hotness in nutrition; does that mean we should only be eating raw fruits and veggies like celery, ketchup, and onions at every meal?

 Is the government poisoning milk and peeing in children’s cereal while taxing the middle class to death and exporting jobs to African infants?  

What about yogurt? Is that a health food? Is high fructose corn syrup mitigated by probiotics? WTF are probiotics and why do you care about them?

WHAT THE HELL ARE ANTI-OXIDANTS AND WHY ARE OXIDANTS SO BAD?

Should I be taking protein? Or is supplementing with protein powder the American equivalent of dropping Agent Orange on a Vietnamese day care?

Creatine is the best supplement ever, right? Or is it responsible for the deaths and hopeless steroid addiction of the youth in America?

Hi fat, low fat, no fat? What do I need to do to lose my gut?

Should you do a cleanse? Should you stop eating entirely?

 The Problem

With the internet comes the ability to connect with many different people and post your ideas. While this gives many people like you dear reader, the access to a host of good information (a la this website) it also creates a massive outpouring of shit from all corners of the globe since anyone with a pulse and an internet connection is now an expert at EVERYTHING.

facebook fail

I’m not joking (mostly), I pulled all of those questions from different websites all touting different variations of “The Best Weight Loss Method”. If you go to 10 different places, you’re going to find 10 different ideas on how to lose weight. The most radical of which I stumbled upon a few days ago which called for eating only 20 oz of beef and 6 tomatoes. I can’t make this shit up.

The Solution

Quit stressing, and quit browsing around the internet looking for pictures of the attractive women claiming to have the new MIRACLE DIET WEIGHT LOSS ABZ MACHINE.

Relax. It’s much simpler than a 10 day 240.00 dollar cleanse. (Which is total marketing bullshit. You just got scammed)

Follow these rules, and never let yourself be led astray by the uninitiated:

Rule 1: Eat health food 90% of the time. If it doesn’t say “organic”, “health”, or “high in fiber” on the label, don’t eat it.

Rule 2: Only buy these foods in bulk: Lentils, peanut butter, tomatoes, and sausage.

Rule 3: Every Tuesday is now “Milk Day”, where you must drink at least 96 oz of whole milk. You may have up to 128 oz, depending on blood type.

Rule 4: One Saturday per month you aren’t allowed to eat any food at all, but you may have as many vitamins or other supplements as you want.

Rule 5: On day 8, 14, 19, and 27, it’s important to recover vital minerals by eating 32oz of nut butter. However, to maximize electrolyte intake and to put your body into “fat burning mode” the nut butters must be eaten by hand.

Rule 6: Throw away any plastics in your house that may be contaminating your kitchen with chemicals from the Norse god Loki. In addition, throw away all spoons and forks that are not made from 100% recyclable material.

Rule 7: To ensure that your body stays in fat burning mode, you must take advantage of the principle of muscle confusion by having 4-6 glasses of white wine before working out.  Workouts must consist of: 1 jump exercise, 1 functional circuit of squat-row-pressups, bosu twists, and spanx application. Finish with reverse spinning for 40-90 minutes.

Rule 7.5: Take a cold shower every morning. Also, always keep an icepack near your genitals to avoid raising your core temperature at any point during the day.

Rule 8: To keep oxidants at bay, blend 1 dark chocolate bar and 2 cups of blueberries into a bottle of red wine. Apply generously to the skin before going outside. This will dispel the suns harmful rays and eliminate cancer causing radiation from your cell phone.

Rule 9: Get rid of your cell phone.

Rule 10: Only microwave food while the moon is waning, and between 3:17pm and 5:41pm. Make sure to wrap the food in tomato skins prior to microwaving.

There you have it, 10 simple rules that anyone can follow in order to live a healthy lifestyle. Do you have your own rules? Anything I missed? Leave it in the comments.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I neither advocate nor encourage any of the behavior listed above. Please don’t do any of it.  Please just eat mostly protein, some veggies, drink a lot of water, and get really really strong. This is the key to living forever. I love you, please don’t do a cleanse.
Disclaimer 2: I am a doctor.

4 COMMENTS

  1. this is fantastic. I’ve always heard eating nut butters by hand helps the absorption rate, but never knew if I should believe that or not. Well, my head is clear now… thanks papa nate.

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