Good news! My back is finally feeling better, which is great for me! Not so good for you, because it increases my likelihood of randomly attacking you by approximately 194%. Watch your back, because I know where you sleep, and I often hide in your closet.
A couple updates.
In adherence to the “practice what you preach” mindset, I have a confession and a challenge. During the last 3 months while I was pretty much bad at working out at all, I pretended like I was eating well, but in reality, was not. Here is a picture of me in a speedo to prove it.
My weight stayed roughly the same, but according to the electrical impedance body-fat machine, I gained roughly 2.5% -3.2% bodyfat, which is bad. Real bad.
So every few weeks, I’ll be posting new pictures with weight, and body-fat percentage, to keep me honest, I’ll write more about my goals and training routine as well. The challenge for you is to follow along with me, take a before picture that disgusts/embarrasses you, (no need to post it on the internet) and measure the variables about your body that you would like to change. Then change them. Over the next few months, work at making your body better, nicer, healthier, and more vibrant than it is now. Call it a new years resolution, a truth or dare challenge, your Russian bear-fighting prep work, or anything you want, just do it. Wake up in 3 months and be a better person. If you’re not constantly improving, then it’s time to slip on your cowboy boots and serape and go to work.
However, because of puritanical traditions and the Salem witch trials, talking about and looking at butts was highly looked down upon in society. It had a brief resurgence in the 90’s with the songs “Baby Got Back” and “Bootylicious” but the uprising was quickly quashed by Adam Sandler movies, anorexia, and Debbie, the personal trainer at the gym who looks like a dude. All this to say that having a nice round, tight, bootay is now more difficult to achieve than ever because of the evil-doers in the food industry, social pressure and Justin Bieber’s rise to stardom.
However, having one of these aforementioned butts will put in a secret society of nice butt havers where you will occasionally meet to do lunges and scoff at the general populace. It’s a lot of fun, I’ve been like 3 times. You will be called names like “curvy”, “athletic”, and “shaniqua”, but you have to hold your head high, and bear it.
They’re just jealous. Trust
Legendary booty engage:
Start with some basic normal body weight squats to warm up.
Squats x 25
Jumping jacks x 25
Then Jump into a circuit of kettlebell swings and Step ups on a high box
KB Swing x 20/15/25/30/20
Step up 5 sets of 15 each leg. Hold a weight in each hand
Alternate between the two exercises. No rest. You should be breathing hard and your legs should feel like fire.
Finish With a triple set of walking lunges, sumo (wide leg squats) holding a weight, and hip bridges (done while lying on your back)
Walking Lunges x 40 total
Sumo Squat x 25 (legs wide, toes pointing out at a 45 degree angle, chest proud, shoulders tucked down and back, arms between your legs, holding a single weight.)
Double Leg Hip Bridges (see previous article for directions) x 20. (don’t touch your butt to the ground, but keep flexing it to keep tension on it.
Do this for 3 sets.
If you want that J-lo/Beyonce/Shakira backside, it takes work. This program above is work. Do it twice a week until you can bounce a quarter off ‘dat ass’. (known as the Sherman-Goldstein Empirical Quarter Test).
Cause my body’s too bootylicious for ya babe.
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