ELi5: Cardio

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Cardio is the form of exercise most associated with weight loss, or “getting back in shape”. It also happens to be where most people end their weight loss attempt due to a bum knee acting back up.

Cardio, or cardiovascular training is simply the type of training that uses the respiratory system(also called the aerobic system), and breaks down oxygen into fuel for your muscles.

Think of your muscle cells as squirrels, and oxygen as acorns. With every breath you take during cardio, all the greedy squirrels in your leg muscles try to grab as many acorns as they can and tear them into small bite sized pieces of energy, which they then frantically bury in the forest, because squirrels are dumb.

Cardio is most effective as a weight loss tool if done for 6 weeks or less, and the most effective way of doing cardio is by picking something that you’re fucking terrible at.

Use this handy list to see what kind of cardio you should be doing:

Running on treadmill ——-> Using battle ropes
Elliptical ——-> Jumping Rope
Stairs ——-> Playing Tag with a Friend in a densely populated Metropolitan area
Zumba ——-> 4 hours of headbanging to Industrial German Metal

When I have clients that are runners, or basketball players and they tell me that they did their preferred sport as cardio, I make them put on roller blades and chase me around a sand volleyball court for an hour. Then when they’re lying on the ground wishing I was dead, I stand over them and yell “THAT’S HOW YOU DO CARDIO DICKHEAD!”.

Take Away Points:

  • If you’re terrible at cardio and you hate it, start on the elliptical machine, but give it a full ten minutes, in order to let your body switch over to the aerobic energy system which runs on oxygen.
  • If your goal is weight loss, keep the steady state cardio to a period of 6 weeks or less, or until you can manage to do higher intensity cardio.
  • Switch cardio methods frequently so that your body does not become efficient at doing it.
Bears can be used to provide strong cardiovascular motivation.
Bears can be used to provide strong cardiovascular motivation.

If you’re sick of doing cardio with minimal results, fill out this form, and I can help you take your sexiness to the next level. [contact-form][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’What%26#039;s your goal?’ type=’textarea’/][/contact-form]

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