Juicing: An Objective Analysis

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holiday weight gain

One of the hottest fitness trends is juicing. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. I would wager 12.50 right now that your friend, aunt, or god parent is currently juicing to cleanse their body of harmful toxins.

And that’s great. It’s a fantastic way to lose a few pounds, make sure you’re getting enough fruits and vegetables, and add a bunch of nutrients where before there was only KFC leftovers and crippling depression.

But before you start stocking up on organic ginger root and beet greens, there’s a few things you should take into account:

1) Make sure you’re not a giant f*cking idiot.

This is where most people go wrong in their juice cleanse.  Here’s a test: Have you ever bought raspberry ketones for weight loss? If you answered yes, you should check out other weight loss protocols like “The Corn Only Diet” and “Kegal Your Way Thin!”

Honestly, do your homework. If you’re looking for a quick fix to a lifetime of crappy eating and no exercise, do you think that a 7 day juice cleanse is going to fix your problems?

NOWHERE else in life is there a quick fix for success, and supplement companies and sloppy health guru’s line their pocket books at your expense. You’re better off drinking water, working out, and all the other shit you could probably reciter verbatim at this point. Wah wah waahhhhh.

2)  Juicing is a great way to drink a bunch of juice.

If you’re like Buster Bluth, and you can’t get enough of that icky sticky stuff, then you might LOVE juicing.

However, proponents of juicing claim that by milking the Vas deferens of the Amazon Bull Snake and mixing it with 6 types of French Lemon peel extract, you’ll start sweating off fat and succeeding at parenting.

They couldn’t be more wrong.

By juicing delicious fruits and veggies, you take out a lot of the phytonutrients found in the pulp, and you ditch all of the fiber found in most plant products.

You distill healthy foods down to just their carbohydrate form where they’re digested super super-fast by your body, which creates an insulin dump equivalent to that of drinking a Pepsi.

Instead of letting the fiber do its job and slow your digestion, you’re giving your body the people’s elbow and slamming it with a bunch of fast digesting carbs all at once.

Which is great if you’re trying to train your body to stop being such a whiny idiot, but not so great if your goal includes words like “health”, “namaste”, “cleanse”, and “OrganicWholeFoodsToteBag”.

3)  Cleansing is great!

So great in fact, that your body has a mechanism for doing it on its own!

Your body doesn’t leave things like this up to you. A process called autophagy is in place in your body, which transports broken and damaged cells to the Human Waste Management Plant, and replaces them with fresh shiny new ones!

I mean come on! You think that after a lifetime of hotdogs, food challenges, and that one night where you challenged Auntie Margret to a tequila drinking contest, that you can just “cleanse” that in a week?!

Your body is on its game day in and day out, regardless of if you own a 500.00 Nuclear-Juice90X.

One of the things that actually improves autophagy in the body is fasting. Like the Old Testament style, no-unleavened-bread-for-you kind of fasting.

And despite what Doc. Oz says on his twitter, you won’t go into starvation mode if you skip your donut breakfast with champagne chaser.

So go ahead and try 12, 16, 0r 24 hours if you’ve never done so before. It’ll give you a chance to clear you mind, give your body a break from processing, and it will show you how much time Americans spend thinking about food.

I dare you.

4)  Weight loss….right?

The average American might not ever have a chance of looking like Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey (circa every movie), but we all strive to at least look a little bit better in a swim suit.

According to experts, this means having nice muscle tone, and less fat.

However, juicing won’t give you the body that you’re looking for, because as with most things that are too good to be true, the claims are simply not supported by reality.

What can tend to happen is your body in search of amino acids to repair broken down muscle tissue will waltz right passed the turmeric and kale shake you just downed like a champ and start salvaging delicious proteins from your thighs.

This becomes a problem as you don’t want to lose any of your hard earned muscle in the search for a better body.

Instead, it would be more appropriate to adopt a diet high in protein in order to feed the muscle, and burn the fat.

New studies show that there is a very high energy cost associated with converting protein to fat, whereas the cost of converting carbohydrates to fat is roughly 3% of the overall calories.

The moral of this story is that you need to toss your juicer in the trash, and wash your body out with a big chicken breast and steak salad; hold the kale.

Cleanses the body and the soul.

 

12 COMMENTS

  1. Let me be the first to say–Wow–I have never seen such a bashing of juicing in a very long time–I am really stunned that you were so one sided to this and the conclusion you came to is just downright wrong. “Toss your Juicer in the trash and wash your body out with a big chicken breast and a steak salad?” I know you were trying to clever and funny here but i must say..take some of your own advice and DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON JUICING (For real)..Man did you miss the mark here!!. People are curing themselves of everything from Cancer to eczema with organic juicing and it is an amazing way to get the 4 servings of vegetables we have always been taught to eat..but then never do….If you would actually do some deeper research on the subject instead of making out people who juice (who are usually some of the most healthy and vibrant people I know) out to be giant F**** Idiots, whiners, and nut general jobs (WTF?) I think you will be amazed at the amount of testimonials on you tube etc..about people forgoing regular chemo therapy then with organic foods and juices..proper diet..herbs… shrinking and dissolving massive tumors even turning around diabetes and other serious ailments like diabetes. This kind of flippant blogging is really irresponsible. Look into how they slaughter a cow for meet sometime..or chickens and think your view of washing your body out with a dead animal will certainly change..

  2. John- I am glad that you posted your comment because it is exactly the point that nate is getting at. Forgoing chemotherapy and replacing it with organic foods to help cure it is the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard. You ask him to do his HW however, you conveniently forgot to post any links or peer reviewed studies backing up your claims. How much do you get paid to sell juicers?

  3. Hey Shorty… love your stuff and your response to John! 🙂 the last comment is hilarious! love you!

    *Daryl :-)* *602-570-5363* *Daryl Palmer PC Dominion Real Estate Partners * *Owner/ Manager NE Scottsdale Branch http://www.DarylPalmer.com My Blog *

    • John, I also appreciated your comment. Nate is cray cray. Sometimes I like to go to whole foods and spend 800 dollars on green machine drink, pour it all into a bathtub, and then bathe in it until the green drink starts to harden at the top. When I rip myself out of the modern primordial ooze, I feel a sense or being reborn. I don’t even rinse off. Just throw my clothes on and go without putting deodorant on, because that heavy metal stuff will mess you up!

  4. N8,

    Kate Hudson here, first off let me say I am a huge fan of the blog. I LUV working out and shit like that. Just wanted to say ‘THANKS FOR THE SHOUT OUT!’ Many people seem to think that I got this bod by building my own fully stocked whole foods underneath my Malibu mansion! THEIR WRONG N8. I built it for me and my friends to play paintball in! NEwho, I’m able to keep this Hollywood figure by drinking curdled cows blood and exercising strict portion control on various rotten meats like my boy here -> http://www.vice.com/read/this-guy-has-eaten-nothing-but-raw-meat-for-five-years

    Anyway, there are several, how do I say, ….UNSAVORY blogs also posting images of me that I must also troll, so gtg.

    Don’t listen to the h8rs like JOHN. What a Mumford AMIRITE??

    Less H8 more N8.

    Kate

    • LOL Too funny…Guess my first note about this article really fired up all 3 of your “readers” since they all keep referring to me!! LOL..Pretty funny all the “responses” here seem to have the same campy, smart ass writing style as N8 has (coincidence?)..haha..I see now whats up…Almost like its ONE person writing most (if not all) the dumbass responses here…hmmmm makes one wonder how legit this Blog really is. Anyway..enjoy all the sarcasm and bashing the benefits of organic foods and juicing..Continue acting like you are superior and know it all (I assure you you don’t)…Oh and one writer replying as different “personas” N8 and K8? Lol all referring back to me here is quite comical actually…Sorry I can’t write more..I am off to make a big delicious Organic juice …maybe I will bathe in it and wash down the juice with some dead chicken or a bloody steak…mmmm yummy! Haha

      • Hey John, I’m not being a wise ass or anything of the sort but I think you’re an idiot. What N8 is saying refers to the millions of folks who go out and buy expensive juicers to try and cure their many years of bad eating habits in one week. It’s a fact that juicing removes the pulp and fiber. Why do you think otherwise? That’s shy so many nutritionists suggest eating the whole fruit. Plus by doing so, it takes you longer to chew, taste and swallow each delicious bite which, if you’re trying to lose weight, is much more satiating.
        Also, please post your statistics on the treatment of cancer and the survival rates of patients who use juice vs chemotherapy, surgery and radiation. I would like to know the % comparison. Try the New England Journal of Medicine to start with.

        Chef, nutritionist, and exercise freak.

  5. Welcome all. I have come read a blog a good flavor health. Many time in past before the mouth the chicken meet. Today organic living, living plant to heal. I read this having speak with them give many thinking for having success in meal. I wish I post a question. You believe the chicken the plant together for energy. Answer now. Thanks to innate blog, thanks to john, thanks to frosty. Daryl will call.

    ❤️Hui?

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