Sorry I haven’t dominated your brain in a while with my powerful words, which I know often leave you breathless and shaking with excitement. I’ve been studying the dark arts of supply chain management, the revolutionary war, and Uzbekistan’s natural gas conundrum.
I’m actually not sorry. When I go a e without updating, it gives you a chance, nay, a responsibility to go back and read my earlier works, which are no doubt riddled with grammatical errors and political correctness, but serve the purpose of keeping you thinking about something substantial at all times. Namely, me.
I hate transitional phrases. So:
1) Fitness Magazine Wisdom – For lack of a better descriptor, I’m choosing this to represent the majority of what I despise about the health and fitness lifestyle. To me, this encompasses not only the “Ronnie Coleman Elite Right Bicep Champion Workout Infinity Horse Killer Workout”, and the “George St Pierre Ground N’ Pound Brutal Medicine Ball Plyometric P90x Space Chest Trampoline Yoga Abs!” but also the pictures of REAL UNDERGROUND STRENGTH LEGEND BRUTAL MCGODZILLAFIGHT STEVENSON eating his favorite post workout snack of CREAM OF HUMAN BONES/METAL/AIRPLANES RECOVERY AMINO POWER PROTEIN. Which now comes in the flavors: PAIN, FISTICUFFS, AND GOOFY GRAPE.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
This mentality and these ads propagate completely untrue things among people of all ages. You don’t read Mens Health? I don’t care. I’m still holding you responsible. Everything from teenage boys thinking that all they have to do to get big and strong is take muscley power fighting protein and working out all the muscles on the front of their body to every woman ever thinking that if they lift weights they will suddenly be transformed into the spawn of Xena Warrior Princess, a Silverback Gorilla, and Gimli the Dwarf.
2) Personal Trainers – Before you say something to the extent of “oh you must hate yourself thats not good i have a bachelors in psychology and thats harmful to your psyche”, Cool it. I’m to personal training what Mark Twain was to Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins.
I hold the majority of personal trainers responsible for turning people off to personal training, by making promises they can’t keep, acting like asshats in general and online, and hurting their clients. Having fat people lay on their back and do crunches with awful form is counter productive Mr. Globo Gym Trainer! If you want to lose weight and you’re lying or sitting down for more than 2 exercises, you’re doing it wrong. A lot of trainers also confuse good training with making you sore/ counting your reps. If I wanted to make you sore, I’d make you do lunges for 800 meters. Boom. Greatest trainer ever. And if you want someone to count reps, I have a 8-year-old I can bring in that can count everything. Count reps, counts sticks of gum, how many pounds you have to lose, anything! So to personal trainers: Put your damn cellphone away when you have clients, and stop making them do lazy exercises.
3) Excuses/Complaining. Stop doing it. Figure your life out and move on. If you’re trying to accomplish something like losing weight, getting stronger or becoming more athletic and you’re not willing to sacrifice something for it, stay at home. If you want to change something, but are not willing to sweat, be out of breath, feel sore for the better part of three days, or inconvenience your lifestyle to achieve it, I’ll let you in on a little secret: You don’t actually want it. Don’t lie to yourself, and don’t lie to me. Fix your mind before you get to the gym or nothing will ever change.
I’ll conclude with a motivational quote: Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better” -Jim Rohn
4) Jogging/crunches. Or a combo of the two. Jogging is hard on your joints, doesn’t accomplish much and is so boring that it leaves me wishing that I had brought my DVD player with Gigli and/or Spice World.
Crunches are ineffective, non-functional, and they’re bad for your spine.